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Leeftijd

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Het is de leeftijd denk ik. Zonder dat ik het doorhad was ik zomaar de dertig gepasseerd. Dertig. Dertig jaren. Ondertussen zijn het er twee meer. Tweeëndertig. Het klonk vroeger ouder dan het nu in werkelijkheid voelt.

En toch betrap ik mezelf op iets waarvan ik dacht dat alleen oude mensen dat doen. Zomaar uit niets kan ik terugkijken. Terugkijken op de jaren. En echt beseffen. Voelen. Dat die tijd nooit meer terugkomt. Het is geen vervelend gevoel. Integendeel. Meer een bijzonder gevoel.

De jaren gaan voorbij. Landen die je ziet. Vakanties die je viert. Mensen die je ontmoet. Ze verschijnen in je leven. Sommige blijven. Anderen verdwijnen weer. Zo is het voor iedereen. Overal. Maar toch blijft het bijzonder. Al die toevalligheden die samen tweeëndertig jaar creëren.

Zo’n  moment duurt  maar heel kort. Heel even is er dat pure besef. Je voelt het door je hele lichaam. Je staat er bij stil. En vervolgens verdwijnt het weer. Als bij de herkenning van die ene foto tijdens het bladeren door je eigen fotoboek. Bij die pagina sta je even langer stil. Om vervolgens de bladzijde weer om te slaan.

Deze korte momenten. Die had ik vroeger niet.  Nu dus wel.  Het zal de leeftijd zijn. Tweeëndertig jaar. Vroeger klonk dat oud. Maar zo voelt het nu niet.

Nu klinkt vijftig jaar heel oud. Maar ik weet zeker, zo voelt het dan niet.


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